Moving on to the next crisis in my life: This is really hard to express, so if it sounds a little confusing, forgive me.
It has taken me a long time to discover what I want to do with my life. I've studied English, special education; been a real estate agent, and real estate investor, worked with adults with developmental disabilities. I didn't finish my degree which is in general studies. I had so many credits in different areas that general fit best! I am only one class away from finishing, but I'm not really interested.
I started singing and writing songs last year. I lead worship at my church and began singing spontaneously through prayers and scriptures, and fell in love with it. A few months later, I visited IHOP, and for the first time, witnessed harp and bowl. I felt like I had found the place for me! Along with singing, I love to create stuff. Decorating, painting, photography...I love all of that. It is important to me to be able to express myself in those ways. Lastly, I have had empathy/compassion for hurting people for as long as I can remember. There are strong desires within me to adopt children, and work in orphanages overseas, help homeless people, people with disabilities, help out in disaster relief...all of these things swirling around in me!
At the same time, I'm reading a book on the Sermon on the Mount. (Really good, and I'll give the reference later since I don't have it right here.) Anyway, the first one, "Blessed are the poor in spirit." is like the starting point for Christianity! It is basically realizing that we have NOTHING to offer God. Even our greatest gifts are filthy rags compared to His holiness and righteousness. The author says that until we come face to face with God Himself and see that we are/have nothing, that maybe we really haven't seen Him. Being poor in spirit is not being weak or sappy, non-confident person. Its more like humility. Its knowing I'm dark compared to His light.
So, how to balance that with the lovely. At the same time, my gifts and desires are inatley instilled in my by His design. He has a plan and purpose for my life that I alone can fulfill. Lots of people sing and play, create and love, but no one has my all of my exact desires. So, I'm replacable as a worship leader, artist, or disaster relief worker, but I'm not replacable as Amanda Michelle Cruse-Dawson.
I value what I do. I love to sing. I love my songs. I'm going to start travelling to sing and lead worship/harp and bowl. I will probably try to sell CDs and ask for people to partner with me. I'm asking people to value me, to buy my product, to invest in me and what I do. It is important to me that people want to do that, but that feels weird considering that my gifts are given to me for the glory of God, and not my own...I guess I'm asking people to invest in the God in me that is expressed in those specific ways.
Epiphony. That is the first time I realized that. This whole time I thought I was thinking all about me, and valuing my gifts and actually making them my identity in Christ. When all I really want is to be a lover of God...but that will be expressed through music, art and compassion. I need financial provision, so I guess to ask people to invest in that is not a bad thing.
cool new blogskin. and i like your thoughts/dilemma here. makes me think of the 7 longings of the bride that mike bickle talks about in song of solomon session one - ever gone through that study? her longings are put there by God and are right longings if submitted to Him...like the longing for greatness, the longing to make a difference, the longing to be enjoyed and adored, etc....
Thanks for the reminder! It has been like a year since I've heard that series. I can see that I need to fire it up! Probably, I was in the midst of something else at the time!
Hello-first time I've been to your blog...it looks great by the way. I just wanted to say that as I read I felt the Lord say that he is so tickled pink by you...excuse the cheesy phrase just used. He is so enamored by the way that he has molded and shaped you and is having an absolute blast in seeing you piece it all together. My encouragement to you is to press in...keep seeking the Lord and ALL those desires you have will keep being reborn again and again, each time more pure and more clear!
Ps 27:4 One thing I have desired from the LORD, that I will seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to pray in His temple.(MKJV)
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Name: Mandy Home: United States About Me: I'm Mandy. Wife, mother, worship leader, photographer and lover of Jesus.
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cool new blogskin. and i like your thoughts/dilemma here. makes me think of the 7 longings of the bride that mike bickle talks about in song of solomon session one - ever gone through that study? her longings are put there by God and are right longings if submitted to Him...like the longing for greatness, the longing to make a difference, the longing to be enjoyed and adored, etc....